Getting back in the game

Once upon a time, I used to blog. Many of my blog posts were of  food and restaurants. Then came baby, life, work, all the other things that had always been there but felt more difficult to deal with, and there went my time, patience, and hoseleh to blog. Plus, when I do get to go out and eat, my hands are kind of busy with you know who...


One of the reasons we don't eat out as often

 After a busy week for both of us,  Cary was asked to be a part of a project with some friends. This meant Layla and I would be alone most of Saturday. So we went to Home Depot (because we're moving next month!), Mom's house, then Aunties house, then to a small shop that does interesting things with succulents and wood and other interesting pieces of furniture and accents.  That was a pain; Layla asleep, stroller didn't fit in store, had to put it back in the car, all with Layla asleep, lots of transfers to carseat, carried her limp/sweaty/sleeping body throughout the store, all by myself. Needless to say, by the time Cary got home, I was beat. I told him to go out with Layla and leave me at home to veg out. He insisted we go out together all three of us. Reluctantly I agreed, and we tried this little burger and beer joint called Stout. 

This was the IOS 3am chicken burger. Sort of Greek themed. It came with fries inside the burger.
Love that. Really yummy and perfectly filling.

They had this giant oven baked pretzel that Layla liked. She loved the fries of course. We each got beers we never tried before. Cary got the Italian themed burger, it had prosciutto in the form of bacon bits, mozzarella, nummy.



Mmmm, more french fries? more french fries?

 Despite a rough start, Layla was great. She stayed in her stroller the whole time watching Elmo on Cary's phone. She had a bite of my burger meat, some pretzel and a bunch of fries. Not the balanced meal that I would prefer for her to have, but Mommy and Daddy got to chill out and unwind a bit.

We were leaving Stout to go back to the car and this young, punky tatooed couple that were walking in front of us, turned and shouted to their friends behind us that they would be right back in 20 minutes....after they f@$ked. Then the guy, sort of embarrassed points out that there's a little kid right there, and the girl apologizes for cursing in front of Layla. We were laughing at all of it because we saw it coming.

The little strip mall type corner that Stout was located in is pretty cool. Next door is a hookah lounge, and next door to that is another bar/restaurant that offered sausages and other yummies on the menu. At the opposite corner is Big Wangs, which is a sports bar with wangs...um, I mean wings. Chicken wings. It's just off Sunset between Ivar and Cahuenga near cool newish shopping and art space.  It's still gritty and not polished, so we were the only ones there with a stroller.  No other kids around. Cary prefers this. Not that we have anything against fellow parents and families. But he likes that we will venture out and try new places. Just like in the old days. Maybe I'll start blogging more too.

Sunday Funday

Even though Sunday started off with chores, we managed to squeeze in some fun stuff. After a run to the car wash (first one this year...of course it rained today :-/ ), we hopped in the clean car and went to the Farmers Market on Ivar, bought a bunch of veggies, fruits, bread, ran into my friend Gina's mom who's family has an orange grove and she gave us a ton of oranges, blood oranges, tangerines, tangelos (yum!), and then we walked to Go Burger for lunch. I haven't taken pictures of my food in a while, and I should have taken pictures here. The Philly smashed burger was possibly one of the best I've had in my life. They also have "adult" milk shakes  spiked with various booze and ice cream floats, like Guinness with a scoop of vanilla. I'll have to try one next time.

Then we dropped off Cary at home with the groceries, and Layla and I headed to Hannah's house for some swimming. I would have taken pictures, but would have risked dropping my camera and phone in the jacuzzi. So no pics till after we got dried off.

Rolling around being silly

Exhausted from jumping on the bed

 Layla and Hannah just ran around screaming and laughing. It was so sweet. Layla would jump on the bed and say "boing! boing! boing!" and Hannah would say "I'm gonna get you". You can't have that kind of fun when you're not a kid. It's so fun to watch.

Then Layla and I went home. I opened the fridge and Layla saw the strawberries and started saying, "a-strawberries? a-strawberries?" everything starts with an "a" and is asked like a question. Recently, everything is plural as well,  "a-Elmos?" or "a-Hannahs?"

Turns out that the Farmers Market strawberries were extremely sweet and delicious. Layla smeared some into the couch to remember them by.

We were all exhausted that night. Unfortunately, Layla coughed so bad that night in her sleep, that she vomited all over us in bed (our bed). We hopped in the shower around midnight to wash the chunks out of hour hair as Cary changed the sheets. Poor Laylie was so out of it, she just gripped my neck in the shower with this wide eyed dazed look on her little face. She coughed all night. Hopefully she'll be better today.

Got gripe?

As with all the wonderful, happy, new, interesting, good stuff that I post for journaling sake, it's important to not forget things that suck too. One, so that when the sucky stuff is in the past I can be grateful that it is in the past.  And, two, so that I can get the gripes off my chest in the present, so then right now can suck a little less. Maybe?

Working Mom, April 15, 2010

This picture was taken last year. I remember taking it and feeling sort of super-mom like. I felt like I owned motherhood for one  of the first times. I was on my way to work (and daycare). I'm holding my coffee, carrying my laptop bag, handbag, diaper bag, daycare bag, and my cargo pants pockets are full of who knows what. I've got Layla in the Baby Bjorn, dressed for school, with her binky in her mouth. We are on our way from our apartment door, getting to the elevator, to walk through the grassy courtyard, to get to the parking structure, to get into the car, to be buckled into the rear facing car seat, to hope that there is no melt down on the ~40 minute drive to work, with 6 binkies in the passenger seat in case Layla drops hers. At this point I was only taking her to daycare  on Tuesday and Thursdays. This meant that on Monday, Wednesday, and weekends, I would have to pump milk, wash and sterilize bottles and breast pump parts, store the milk, and check to make sure I had a surplus. Not to mention providing pureed organic foods. In addition, Layla was no where near sleeping through the night, so I was always exhausted, cranky, and never with enough help to get myself a hair cut, a dentist appointment, a doctor's appointment, mani/pedi, or time to read a magazine. If that sounds bad, it really was much worse.  If it doesn't sound bad, then stop reading.

I guess I'm writing this because I feel like shit again and forgot how much more often I used to feel like shit. I didn't sleep till 4:30 this morning. I heard the newspaper being delivered. That's how late I was up. So I got barely 3 hours of sleep, I'm at work, and I'm wondering when it gets better, or IF it gets better. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I'm definitely grateful that I get more sleep more often. Though Layla started waking up during the night because she's super congested these days, poor thing. I got used to getting sleep, so going back to this kind of sleep habit is rough.

This 5 days of work thing isn't so bad, it's the part where I'm in charge of getting Layla to and from school every day, and by myself. Cary walks me to the car every morning now, so I never have to carry all that stuff alone like in that picture. Except now there is the added challenge of chasing Layla everywhere, which is tough when you're late or in a hurry and don't want her running in the parking structure. So going to and from our piece of shit apartment is always a resentment inducing effort. Can you hear my crankiness or what?

I'm just bummed because I haven't read a new book since before Layla was born. I reread the whole Harry Potter series while nursing, but that doesn't count because I read it while I was half asleep, and I had already read it 2 times, and that was more than a year ago. I'm bummed because I haven't gone out with Cary in over a month. I'm bummed because I went out with girlfriends only twice  in the last 6 weeks.  I'm bummed because I  haven't seen a movie since last year. I'm bummed because of Japan, because of Libya,   because our cleaning lady with a work permit might get deported even though she was mugged and beaten last year (trying to help her, I'm seriously worrying about her), because of this line cook at my friend's restaurant who's wife left him and his 3 kids and he makes $9.50 an hour and pays $5/hour for baby sitting while he works 16 hours a day, 6 days a week, and just wants to take his kids to the zoo. I'm bummed because we are still in our piece of shit apartment, yet our house keeper and this line cook could fit two of their apartments in my apartment, and it's in a safe neighborhood at least, sort of. So I'm both displeased with things, and feeling guilty because it could be much much worse.

Every time I list something that bums me out, this voice in my head reminds me of things to be grateful for. I really am grateful for all of the things being whispered in my head. I just need to have at it with some gripes and bitching and get it off my chest. Maybe I'm PMSing or knocked up. Or maybe I just have reason to be pissy. I'll have to look back on this in a couple years and decide.

I would like to close this by mentioning my good friend Kasey had her 3rd baby yesterday. He weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs 1 oz!!! I'm am way way grateful that they are healthy and doing well. Oh yeah, the lumps in my neck went away. Oh yeah, my Dad just got back from a (disastrous) business trip safe and sound. My aunt just walked into the office, back from having some dental bone biopsied, and I hope I get to report to be grateful for that being OK.

I don't feel good about this post and am considering not posting it because it is negative, and complainy, and personal. But it's honest and very stream-of-thought. I think it will have some retrospective value at some point, I hope, maybe. So here goes.....

All bundled up and no where to go

Layla and I have been sick since Monday night. We haven't gone to work/school since then.  Layla's had a fever and has been really unhappy when her ibuprofen wears off, but she's eating fine, no other symptoms so far. I've had full body aches and sore throat, so I imagine she might also. I've noticed some lumps in my neck, which I hope are just because my body is fighting off this bug and not the other thing it could be. Kind of trippin', trying not to think about it. Will call doctor first thing in the morning.

We got cabin fever today after not having been out for two days. So Cary and I bundled Layla up in her warmest clothes, boots, hat, her heavy winter jacket that is good enough for east coasters to wear in the middle of the storm, and an extra blanket for good measure. Put her in her stroller, take a step outside, and it starts sprinkling. Cary and I ducked back into the building, put the rain cover on the stroller, and Layla freaked out from claustrophobia. Either from the clothes, the stroller, the rain cover or all of the above. And that was the end of her outing. Cary was nice enough to take her back upstairs. I ran to the coffee shop with an umbrella in hand and got a Moroccan mint tea latter with a chocolate cupcake. That was the end of my outing. It was much needed though.

Feeling the lump in my neck and freaking out. Cancer is everywhere, it seems. Just found out a sorority sister died at 41 after 4 year battle with breast cancer. 3 kids under 7. Found out a family friend just had a kidney removed. Then found out his son had had cancer already. He's younger than me. All the news about Japan's radioactive plum heading to LA is getting to me.  I'm a person of science, and understand that the amount of exposure from the nuclear fall out is less than that of a CT scan.  The general panic in the air is contagious, even if you've had your dose of paranoia vaccine.

Layla started saying "thank you" today. She said it in response to me giving her food or crayon, I can't remember already. That's why I'm mentioning it here. I forget so much so quickly. She also says "nummy" when something is tastey, and she also said yipee spontaneously. She did a couple WWF moves on Cary and tried to bring her elbow down on his gut when we were lying in bed. Then stood up and did it over. Mom came over and brought us soup and helped clean up. Layla cried when she left, so I had to distract her so Mom didn't feel so bad about leaving her in mid tears.

I had all this stuff about Layla I wanted to write so I wouldn't forget, and I've already forgotten. Shoot. I've gotten distracted by other things that are either stupid or out of my hands.

Bottom line, if I don't get to be around as long as I want to, I need to make the blog serve as some sort of an insightful communication to Layla. I'm not even sure what to try to communicate at this point. I just hope she grows up to be a better person than I am. I'm tired. Time for bed. Night night.

Norooz Pirouz - 1390

Today is Persian New Year. Sal Tahvil (the stroke of new year, which is not midnight by default) is at 4:21 PM, PST. Layla, Cary and I will go to Mom and Dad's with Sheila, Shahrzad, Annahita, Azita, and Farzad to ring in the new year. I had planned to make a Haft Seen and I didn't. But mom  made me a sabzeh for our home. So at least that's something.

Today Layla is 19 months old. Perfect time to list some milestones:

She can count to 10, and kind of count to  whe- teen, ho-teen, so-teen, whatever those are. She's been doing that for a few weeks now. Last weekend was Sheila's birthday and she demonstrated her counting skills on Meow Meow, pointing to different parts of the cat with each number. When she got to 9, she stuck her finger in his butt  and he took off. We were laughing so hard.

She mostly sleeps in her crib, and (almost) half the time she sleeps through the night. This morning she slept in till 8! That's a record.  But she requires snuggling with us in our bed to fall asleep still. Then we transfer her to her crib. Still working on that part.

She's in a new class at school, and her teacher left for grad school and she now has a new teacher again, so she's had a lot of adjusting to do with those changes. She has a lot of separation anxiety issues when I drop her off. Even at home if I want to leave the apartment, she'll cry and Cary has to distract her so I can leave without her crying.

She lets us know she has peepeed or pooped, she's been doing that for a couple months. It is not consistent, but it means she's slowly on her way to being potty trainable.  I tell her to sit on her potty when I'm sitting on my potty. This is long term work in progress, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure it out soon enough.

She's very talkative. She even talks in her sleep. Most of the time no one can tell what she's saying. But if I video record her talking, then watch it couple of times, I can tell she's actually saying real words that are relevant to what's going on. She lets me know when she's hungry (hunny), sleepy, if she wants milk (nok), her pacifier (she calls it her "Mi" which no one has figured out why), if she wants to watch Sesame Street (Elmo), if she wants to read a book, if she wants more of something (she signs that), if she's done (all gone).

She still says "Oh nyooo!" and smacks her hands on her cheeks. Now she follows it up with a "H-happen?" which is her version "what happened?", her hands extended in an "I don't know" kind of way. There are hand gesture's involved with most things.

There's also  "oh nyoo, where go".

She smushed her finger in the front door and ripped off skin and bruised her finger. It was bloody and traumatic. I don't know if I closed it on her finger or she did. She likes to "open close, open close" and I let her close it, but I may have helped her shut it on her finger. I wasn't paying attention, and was carrying lots of bags. I wanted to kill myself.

She loves her cousin Sheila and her cousin Annahita. Sheila speaks English, Anna speaks Persian, and Layla speaks her own language. But these three girls are crazy about each other. When they get together, they squeal, run, hug, and jump up and down with excitement. Then they're quiet because neither speaks the other's language.  It's funny, strange, and kind of hopeful that they will each teach the other their own language, and Layla will benefit from both of them.

She watches a loooot of Sesame Street. Since we go to Pasadena 5 days a week, I put my iPad in the car holder and let her watch episodes of Sesame Street that I've downloaded.  She watches SS maybe 4 out 5 car rides. Sometimes when I think she's sleepy I won't play it, but if she might get restless or start crying on the road, and the commute is ~40 minutes, I don't risk it. So that's1 1/2 hours of SS. Not the kind of parenting I thought I would subscribe to. I do appreciate that she interacts with what she's watching and anticipates things and will call out answers. Sometimes I'll not play SS and sing to her and talk to her, but it's not easy to entertain a kid for 40 minutes, while driving, and not turn around and talk to or touch her.  It is what it is and we make the best of it.

Layla with her Mi

Layla without her Mi

 Oh yeah, she knows all of her colors (few months now), tons of animals by name and sound, she loves to draw and color (including on our walls), she loves to climb, and she loves to read and be read to.

It's an hour after I started writing this. Layla and I took a shower together. One of my favorite things to do with her.

I just want to add that I am grateful for my parents.  I'm not surprised by the good things they have done and continue to do, because it is very typical of them. But I am surprised by the number of times that their goodness needs to be tested and exercised by people that don't deserve their goodness. Maybe the people that deserve their goodness the least, need it the most to guide them from the selfish, hurtful lives they lead and teach them how to be better people. I am so proud of them and hope that they get to be together in the years that Layla, Sheila, and hopefully one more baby, grow to be adults so that they can be examples for them for many many years to come. Amen.

Shenius

Shenius= female genius.

It can be considered both offensive and perfectly suited for Layla. Offensive because having a specific word for a female genius suggests that the word genius is exclusive of the female gender, which we all know is far from the truth. For today's intent and purpose, lets not find it offensive, and instead let's observe Layla's adorable brilliance:

This might not seem like a big deal to everyone. But to those around her, it's a huge step. I asked her to put the laundry into the  basket, and she did it. She understood what I said and then performed a task. I couldn't believe it at first and had to pull out my iPhone to record this mini-major-milestone. Then I promptly texted it to Cary, who promptly showed it to his partner at work. It's been emailed to grandparents and aunts and uncle, so it's probably going viral (in our immediate family) as we speak.

In the last couple of days, Layla has learned new words and tricks that constantly surprise everyone around her. I held out her teddy bear and asked her what it was and she said "bur"(I screamed, "yeeessss!! good girl!!" which she likes to hear).  I asked her what a chicken says (while she was eating chicken for dinner) and she said, "bak bak baaak" as she munched away. We walked into the parking garage, and she pointed at each car and said, "ca! ca! ca!".  Yesterday she fell asleep on my lap without her pacifier, and without any warning. She just put her head down and was out, that has never happened.

Everyday brings new surprises. I mean EVERY-SINGLE-DAY!!  She's so much fun. It makes the fact that she still wakes up in the middle of the night a little easier to deal with. Hopefully when this cough she has passes, that will be the end of that chapter. Fingers crossed, knock on wood.

Halloween goody bags for Layla's school

Layla's school has a Halloween parade on Friday. The kids get dressed up and the teachers take them to walk in a circle and show off their costumes. And somehow, this becomes a source of stress for me....

Last week, Layla's teacher handed me an envelope with a letter and detailed information explaining the Halloween festivities for the day that included a list of every classmate's name, as well as each teacher's name, and floating teacher's names. This is just in case I want to bring presents for everyone. So I read each page over and over because it's pretty dense in information. Yes, this is for a toddler's Halloween parade, not college application process.

You'd be surprised how much pressure a mom can put on herself to offer the perfect present to these little buggers. You don't "have" to bring gifts for the kids,  but  you sort of feel obligated to participate. Because otherwise, you're not a bad person, you just kind of suck a little bit.

 For Valentine's day, I hadn't gotten my act together after going back to work and gave the kids Valentines a week late. They consisted of little squirting bath toys, because I couldn't think of anything else to give infants. You can't give them food because they mostly drink milk only and if you give clothes or toys it can expensive when you're buying for 16 babies. Plus you gotta get goodies for the teachers too.

So for Halloween, I found the perfect gift. Again, I went with the bath toys. Halloween themed rubber duckies:

Are they cute or what?! I made little tags with each kid's name on it and  "Happy Halloween! Love, Layla".  Half were duckies dressed as a witch and half were dressed as pumpkins. I didn't want to do candy because they are all just barely 1 years old and I don't think most parents let them eat junk food yet.

A lot of thought and effort went into choosing, buying, and assembling these. Half of Tuesday was devoted to this. Like I have so much time on my hands, right?  Unless the other parents out-do me, I think I'm going to feel pretty good about my Halloween goody bags. I'll finally get to feel like the Joneses that everyone is trying to keep up with. Isn't that the point?

(note the last three sentences aren't as pathetic as they sound. i was trying to be ironically sarcastical)

Loves her watermelon

I picked up Layla from Mom's house and found her dressed in this cutesy jumper, eating her 3rd watermelon slice. She could eat watermelon for every meal and not get tired of it.

Sneaking up on Layla

I went to pick up Layla from school today and found her in the middle of an art project.

She was painting a bat for Halloween.

Then she was painting her shirt.

Then she painted me.

Trip to the Grove

Layla wasn't feeling good today, so I kept her home from school. She has a little cough, runny nose, and worst of all her molars are coming in. I could tell she had cabin fever, so I bundled her up in her warmest clothes, and headed for the Grove. Yeah, I know, why did I keep her home from school and then decide to take her to the Grove? Because I'm the mommy now and I get to do whatever I want, so there.



I've had this jacket since she was a newborn and was so excited to finally get to use it. It's so fun dressing her!







You can't even tell that she's teething and has a cough. She's such a trooper!





She love the little water fountain sculptures.





When you ask her what a fish says, this is the face she makes.





I wish I had video of her dancing to the musical water fountain.



Regulating?

Today I had one of those few moments where I felt like I wasn't being tossed around like a rag doll in the drier. I woke up to the sound of Layla playing in her crib, which she slept in all night without waking up. That hasn't happened in a while. Then I got up and put her in bed with Cary and a bottle of milk and let them play watch Sesame Street while I finally got my medical expense records together from last year so I could submit them for Flexible Spending Account reimbursement. It's been on my To-Do list for a whole year. Then I made Layla breakfast and watched her eat 1 1/2 egg yolks, a hunk of cheese, a piece of toast, and 20 grapes. She would have eaten more grapes if I had given them to her. It's like baby crack. I let her play on the new alphabet rubber mat with all of her toys and chased her little till she got sleepy. Put her down for a nap by 10. Got on the computer, finished FSA stuff, responded to work emails, showered (whoa!), did some more work, and then Layla woke up at about 11:45. Longer than usual. I gave her some snacks, got her changed and dressed, tossed her in the stroller and we walked over to the Grove. Bought my neighbor a baby gift. We went to Cheesecake Factory and I ordered Layla sliders off of the kids menu. She sat on my lap and ate some broccoli, burger, bread, banana and didn't make too much of a fuss while I gobbled down a few bites of my lunch. That's the first time I've gone to a restaurant with Layla alone, I think. It usually is a two-man job. But she did really well. Then we went over to Barnes and Noble kid's section so Layla could wander around knocking books off the shelf while I chased her around and put the books back where they belonged. She loves the kid's book section though. Then I got myself a spiced pumpkin latte at Starbucks and tried to put Layla back in her stroller, that was a challenge though since my stroller's cup holder broke and holding a baby and hot drink, and navigating a stroller doesn't work unless you have 3 arms. She finally chilled out, sat in her stroller, and we walked back home just in time for Layla to take a nap in her crib. Which is why I have time to yippity yap on the computer. Woo hoo! I'm going to back blog about Saturday now...unless Layla wakes up.

If I could get a couple of days like this a week, I think my sanity might actually come out of hiding. I'm not asking for much, just simplicity and less exhaustion, a little regularity. Until then, .......sigh.......

Best lunch date

I don't remember if I've explained my weekly schedule yet, but as it is now, Layla has daycare on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. Which means Tuesdays and Thursdays we're at home. Sometimes I feel like Tuesdays and Thursdays are harder than the rest of the week because I'm alone and tend to get more exhausted. Sometimes, when things pile up, like work, cleaning, dishes, diapers, I will decide to just get out of the apartment because if I don't do it then, we will have spent the entire day indoors. And that's generally depressing.

So we walked over the little sandwich shop in our apartment complex. There's a nice water fountain there that Layla loves, and plenty of grass for her to walk and crawl in. It trips me out still that I can order food and share it with her and don't have to pack jars of baby food. I ordered the grilled chicken sandwich with avocado and sun dried tomato, which we both love. The thing is that she eats so much these days that when I share a sandwich with her, I'm always hungry afterwards because I don't get enough to eat. But I love that she does eat. It also comes with a fruit salad which I have to hide from her because if she sees fruit, she won't eat the food. So she ate almost half of the sandwich, not including the bread because the ciabatta was a little tough for her.

Then she played a little soccer in the grass. When she's walking and comes across a ball on the ground, she'll always kick it and not bend down to get it. That's Cary's World Cup training.

Game face.
As exhausting as Tuesdays and Thursdays can get, I'm so grateful to have them with her. I'll probably have to go back to work full time in October or November. The time I spend with her is always time spent in the moment. You're either fully immersed in Layla, or trying to get work and chores done in a hurry to get to be fully immersed in Layla. Totally life altering. I want to eat her little face.

Layla's first tailgate

We took Layla to her first tailgate at the Rose Bowl. It was the first UCLA home game of the season. I hope it's not an indicator of how the whole season will play out (35-0 loss, ugh!)

Not like I really care though. I just go to the tailgates to eat, drink, and be merry. We put Layla in her cutesy cheerleader outfit. Cary was against cheerleader outfits because he doesn't want to encourage her to be on the sidelines. He would have rather put her in shoulder pads and a helmet. But when she put it on and he saw how freaking cute it was, he caved. Still, we will be encouraging her to play on the field of life, not on the sidelines.

We were so excited that Hanah was also in her cutesy cheerleader outfit too!!

I also used the tailgate as an excuse for her to wear her Nike shoes that still don't fit, but look so sporty on her.

Please don't call child services on us.

It was a fun time. Lauren and Audrey came over afterwards. Poor things had to listen to Layla crying the whole car ride home. As soon as we got home and I got her out of her car seat, she let out a big belch and stopped crying. A year later, and gas is still her biggest enemy. Poor thing. So I put Layla to sleep and hung out with the girls until Cary and Jeff got home after the game. Audrey and I accidentally passed out on the couch and poor Lauren was left to be bored the whole night.

I suck. :-(

A year later...

Lily will be happy I'm finally writing a new post....heehee....

We celebrated Layla's first birthday last Saturday. She turned one on Friday and I was surprised at how emotional I was all day. I had been busy last week preparing for her birthday party and needed to leave her at school to get work for MSE and the party done. I wanted to drop her off after 10:30 so I could be with her at the exact moment she was born (10:25 am August 20th), but I ended up taking her at 10:00 because I was overwhelmed with how much I needed to get done. It was really conflicting, I cried as I left her day care. It punctuated a year of emotionally mangled living. It's so hard being a mom. I don't regret one moment of it though. Such a small price to pay for all the wonderfulness that Layla is.

Today was her 1 year doctor's appointment. She is 21 lbs and 4 1/2 ounces and 30 1/4 inches tall. She was 7 lbs 8 ounces when she was born and 21 inches long, but she's changed in so many more ways then just weight and height. She can stand and has taken a few steps without holding on to anything, she says "uh-oh" and sort of says "happy". If you ask her what a lion says, she'll growl, what a dog says, she gives a really short high-pitched bark, and ask what a monkey says, she makes a similar, though distinctly different yap that sounds like one of her monkey dolls. She waves at everyone that walks by, and gets a lot of positive attention from strangers, which she loves. She shakes her head, no, which makes her little curls bounce. She high-fives, in English and Spanish (chocale cinco!). She can blow kisses (also in two languagues- bous bedeh!), and will pretend to answer a toy phone by holding it up to her ear. She plays peek-a-boo. She has officially graduated to adult foods, no more purees. She is going to get weened off of formula and go to straight whole milk.

Cary, Layla, and I went to Morrels at the Grove and Layla ordered off the kids menu for the first time. Grilled cheese and sliced apples. We were both so excited. It's so funny to experience the excitement of the little, simple things like ordering off a menu for the first time for her. You don't expect to be excited, but it's so much fun when you are. She also had whole milk for the first time, and drank it out of a straw. Drinking out of a straw is another new trick.

Yesterday was Cary and my 3 year wedding anniversary. He's been working really late these last few weeks, leaving at 7:30 am and coming home at 9 or 10pm, so we haven't seen much of each other and I've been exhausted taking care of baby alone. So we're hoping to get to do something tomorrow night, but who knows if it will happen. It's been rough. We want to try to find a house to buy, but there is no time and between Cary wanting to leave his job and me not sure how I'm going to raise two kids some day with a commute to Pasadena and pay for 2 day cares or get a nanny (both of which not sure how to pay for a with a mortgage and a 2nd car payment we plan to take on at some point), we really don't know how we're going to swing it. I'm writing all this so in a year when I've figured it all out and I'm sitting in our new house with the situation worked out, and either pregnant or with a newborn (fingers crossed, trying to visualize what I want) I'll have gained some sort of retrospective problem solving/decision making wisdom. I hope.

It's 10 till midnight on Thursday. Cary's asleep, so is Layla. I should be too, but I felt like staying up and enjoying some alone time doing nothing in particular.

I still haven't blogged about our trip to Europe. I don't think. I can't remember. That's pretty bad. I'll have to go back and remind myself what I've blogged about.

Meanwhile, here are a couple of pictures from her birthday. It was a lollipop themed party because we were celebrating our Layla-pop...get it?

Mom got the giant lollipop cake. It was really tasty, I'm still eating leftovers. This was the first time in almost a year that I got to exercise any creative juices. It felt good. But I was exhausted. I'm used to taking my time, but for this party I had to be decisive and efficient. Not quite what I'm used to, but it was good for me. The party was at Roxbury park and it was a smashing success. Hopefully next year it will be in our new home. Visualizing it and making it happen....

Trying to remember all the good stuff

I recently went back and read the few posts I've written since a year ago. It made me so happy to read about all of the details that I would have forgotten had I not been blogging. It also made me sad that I had probably left out and forgotten so many little tidbits since I have been blogging so much less since I got pregnant.

Layla is now 10 months and 9 days old. She is crawling like a champ and can pull herself up and sit back down as if she's been doing it her whole life. She is very verbal. If I had to take a guess I'd say her first word will be JoJo. She loves him, he makes her smile and squeal and kick. Whenever we go to mom and dad's she looks for JoJo. Then she starts saying Djoh! Djoh! Djoh! She loves to make clucking sounds and imitates me when I cough.

She loves to feed herself food like cubes of fruit, cheese, crackers. She loves puffs. She had her first hamburger at the Burger Kitchen on Sunday. Cut into tiny pieces of course. She's got 6 tiny teeth, 4 on top and two on the bottom, and she loves putting them to use. She loves to eat and I love to feed her and watch her enjoy food. I didn't know it could be so fun.

In the morning she wakes up and makes a couple of whiny cries, then she laughs and giggles and entertains herself till I come and scoop her out of her crib and bring her to our bed. I make a bottle and give it to her and she feeds herself in our bed while we get 5 more minutes of shut-eye. Recently, we'll let her watch Sesame Street. Cary downloaded a couple of Sesame Street apps for her. We're taking our first plane trip and hoping that it will keep her busy.

She had her 10 month appointment last week and was 19.6 lbs, and 29 inches tall. Pretty soon she'll be eligible for a forward-facing car seat. Though I plan to keep her in the one she has as long as possible since they are safer.

She is such a joy in everyone's life. I just wanted to make sure I wrote a little about what she's doing so I wouldn't forget. Tonight she hugged me around my neck for the first time, and held it for 5 seconds. Then she pulled away and put her face right in mine and smiled at me, like she knew what she had just done was the best 5 seconds of my entire life. She makes me grateful for everything. She makes me remember to live in the moment and appreciate all that is good and right.

Layla on the grass

You can't tell from these pictures, but Layla has the stomach flu. These were taken Saturday, and she most likely got the virus on Friday at daycare. They sent home a letter saying there had been an outbreak and to watch out for symptoms. Poor thing has been puking and popping and dealing with a lousy fever. It's Monday night and she just woke up screaming bloody murder. So we gave her some ibuprofen and she's asleep again.

I've been sick for a whole week. I've got a hacking cough that won't go away. I hope Layla doesn't get what I have and vice versa.

So much has happened in the last month, I will have to go back and back blog at some point. Too much to type this late. I took a night time Tylenol so I can sleep and my head.

Before I could press POST, Layla woke up screaming. That was the beginning of a long sleepless night. It is now Tuesday at 4 pm and I will post this now. I've been fighting a cough for over a week and am just as sick today as I was a week ago because I haven't gotten to rest. Enough whining, time to post....

Figured it out!

I have to add a pound sign followed by the word "end", at the end of
my post before emailing it. Also, the text has to be written before the picture. Any text after the picture is not included. The text above was written before the picture, but is posted after the picture which I don't get. The text below did not get posted, so I went in and added it.

This was taken on Sunday at Hannah's second birthday.

Testing....1....2....3

I had to type this in:

"Just found out that I can post directly from email. I tried it once 2 years ago and it didn't work. Let's see how this shows up.

I'm emailing a picture Dad sent me, from my phone, to this blog. If this works, maybe I can put the Daily back in The Daily Ruby. Fingers crossed....."

So it didn't totally work. Same thing happened two years ago. The picture got posted, but the text didn't.

Getting sick used to mean I got a break

I had a mean bug this past week. I'm lucky that I've gotten sick a lot less frequently ever since I got pregnant (knock on wood). Maybe because I've been more cautious about getting exposed, who knows.... Since Layla was born I think I've gotten really sick maybe twice. Layla caught a virus and now has a sinus infection. She's still a happy sweetheart, but is a little fussy and cranky and has even more trouble sleep through the night. She's on her first antibiotics right now. Poor thing. And her top front tooth is coming in at a funny angle and a lot of her gum has had to open up and it looks so painful.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I was remembering the days when I would get sick and it meant staying home, on the couch, able to take NyQuil and not worry about being a zombie because all I had to think about was myself, watching TV and dozing in and out of consciousness. It seems like a vacation compared to what I am afforded now. Not only can I not rest, but I can't take any meds that might make me drowsy, and I don't get full nights of restful sleep. I didn't know I had it in me, but I've survived.

Despite all the challenges and exhaustion brought on by parenthood, I've gotta say that every time I get through another challenge that I had doubts about surviving with my sanity in tact, I do feel a sense of pride. A certain sense of - f%$* yeah! damn straight! I do feel like a stronger person for being able to endure the day to day, constant, non-stop requirements. That's the best way to put it: requirements. I'm constantly required. All day, everyday, while I'm awake, while I'm asleep, even when she's at daycare, I'm always required. I know there is a better word for it, but my ability to articulate is just pooey. Chalking it up to sleep deprivation.

Years from now ( or next month) I will read these entries, after forgetting what my state of mind was, and be reminded of all of this. I'm not sure what this perspective will afford me, but I think it will be valuable. Or at least entertaining.

Other milestones that have happened recently include Layla getting pretty close to standing on her own. Actually yesterday we went to Mom's for her birthday and Layla used Cary to prop up into standing position and stood for a second without holding on to anyone all by herself. This is great and awful because she will be traveling to Europe in July and if she's walking by then, she'll want to run up down the aisle and it will be exhausting to keep up with her.

Back to milestones, Cary lowered Layla's crib since she's able to stand on her own. It is now at the lowest position. On Saturday, Cary took Layla to Santa Monica to have lunch with a friend all by himself. That was the first time Cary has taken Layla somewhere without me. We double checked her diaper bag and packed extra formula and bottles. Made sure there were extra binkies in the car. I think we were both a little nervous about it. She was fussy, but everyone survived. I got a couple hours of rest, which is rare to nonexistent these days.

It's been about 3 weeks since Layla has nursed. I'm kind of sad that it's over. I think I may have written about it before, I can't remember. But to be able to eat or drink whatever I want and not worry about the effect on Layla is great. Plus, she loves formula now. Making a bottle in the middle of the night isn't as hard as I though it would be. You get over it, as with most things. Layla not nursing is why Cary was able to take her on Saturday and why I was able to leave her with my mom today. She loves her solid foods too, which makes life so much easier then if she were a fussy eater. I hope this doesn't change.

Last night, I think I actually got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. This might be a record. I thought Layla slept through the night, but actually I slept through her crying and Cary took care of her. I must have been hurting if my head didn't wake me up. I do feel better today. I hope Layla does to. I already miss her (I'm at working blogging in between working).

8 months and 5 days

I just wrote a whole post, and Google or Blogspot or whoever decided to not post it or save a draft. Eff.

Basically I just wanted to make note of a major milestone of Layla's. About 30 minutes ago, I peaked at her baby monitor to find Layla sitting up in her crib staring back at me. Yup, little girl can sit up on her own. We were so excited that Cary and I busted into the room and hugged and cuddled her, which didn't help her go back to sleep. Her diaper leaked, so she needed a change anyway. I think we need to upgrade to size 4 diapers. She had her 8 month doctors appointment on Friday. 18lbs, 27 3/4 inches, head grew another inch. She's on target or ahead in every department. Doc was happy with her. Gave us the go ahead to have her try chicken and finger foods. I bought free range, organic, grain fed, locally raised, never freezed, air chilled, fresh chicken from Whole Foods and boiled then pureed it. She didn't care for it so I mashed in some mango and banana. Still wasn't loving it. I need to work on my chicken recipes.

I think that's the jist of what I wrote the first time I posted. I'm tired now. Working on getting Layla's first passport. More on that later...