Did 4+ years really just go by?

Well, shit. I blame Facebook. It's so easy to do lazy posts on FB that my blog was completely neglected for years. I am back. Again.... There is a new purpose, and time will tell if this new purpose will drive me to post regularly.  On July 12, 2017 I went to the ER and found out I had 10 cm abdominal mass that I would later find out was cancer. Yup, it happened to me. At 43. With a 4 and 7 year old. In the best shape of my life. I had surgery, and an 8 inch scar from my bellybutton down, to show for it. I'm on my new anti-cancer pill for the rest of my life, and the side effects have been kicking my ass. Just had my first CT scan post surgery,  and figuratively shit my pants for a week leading up to and after the CT scan. I'll need one 3-4 times a year the first year because without my forever-pill, there is 85% chance of reoccurrence. It's been almost 6 months and I am barely starting to recognize myself. Mostly, I recognize the magnified version of my anger, short tempered responses to the kids, frustration, and all the negativity I had before. Then add sheer terror, panic, emotional paralysis. It's pretty fucked up. I am on a mind-fuck trip of epic proportions. And I'm no special snowflake. If you live long enough, you'll get cancer or some sort of chronic disease. If you're lucky, you'll get to spend the rest of your life wondering if that weird sensation in whatever part of your body is the cancer coming back for revenge after all 10cm of it, along with a couple inches of small intestine, were removed. I need to hurry the fuck up and pull my big-girl pants on and get on with it. There is so much life to live, and I'm just a resentful, impatient, unfocused, unbalanced, not fun, non-life-seizer.  Ugggh! I just want my kids to know who I was in case I kick the bucket before they are old enough to have solid memories of me.  And so I blog.