Politics

When I first started this blog, I wrote about going to Nevada and knocking on doors for Barack Obama in 2008. After having Layla, my activism waned a little. I did protest against Prop 8 right after the 2008 election, and I did march in solidarity twice in 2009 in support of the green revolution in Iran. Then Layla was born and all I could do was parent and survive.

Then Trump happened. Sure didn't see that coming. I didn't knock on doors for Hilary Clinton like I did for Barack Obama. I didn't think it was necessary because who the fuck votes for Trump. Turns out people I know and love, along with assholes I don't know or love, will vote and even campaign for Donald Trump. So I've reactivated my activism. In 2017 I started my own mini-resistance group, attended several other resistance groups, went to the Women's March, Tax March, Earth Day March. I donate monthly to the ACLU. Saturday I went to the 2nd Women's March. I took Cary and the kids this time. Last year I went with Dad and Shahrzad. I'm so glad my immediate family has not been brainwashed by Trump.

I try to minimize what I post on Facebook, because I feel like the bandwidth of the non-activists, the complacent, and the pro-trumpers gets overwhelmed and then I'm disenfranchising and alienating people and talking into an echo chamber.

This is my blog I can say whatever I want without being considerate of who's wall this will show up on. You have been warned. Begin rant:

I am so disappointed in everyone that can't see beyond the Fox propaganda. I am so disappointed in the false equivalencies of the comparisons between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. I am so disappointed in people that will give conspiracy theories like Pizza Gate a second thought (WTF?!). I am so disappointed in people that feel CNN is the left equivalent of Fox's right. I am disappointed in anyone that considers Fox fair or balanced or anything other than propaganda for the right.  I am disappointed in the unchristian hypocrisy of Christian America that showed up for a pussy grabber. I am disappointed in the complacent, and the pro-Bernie, that didn't think Hillary Clinton was pure enough to vote for and didn't have the ability to see the threat that Trump poses to fill in the bubble next to her name. I am disappointed in the way single issue voters will throw everything else under the bus just to make sure guns are unregulated, abortion is banned (regulated), brown foreigners are kept out (and it doesn't matter which brown, as long as their particular most hated brand of brown is kept out). I am disappointed in the purist leftist that would bitch about what fine-tuning needs to happen within the left and not recognize that the left that we have is our only option to band together and if you're going to beat the horse you're riding on without getting the horse to move forward, then you're a product of your own lack of progress.

That being said. I am proud of the 500,000  lovers of women that showed up at the march on Saturday. I feel like we had so many defeats last year after starting 2017 off in a super fired-up mode, that the activism fatigue would have kept more people at home. There are still enough snowflakes in the blizzard that winter is not ending anytime soon.

Twice in 1 month!

Last week the kids were on their 3rd week of winter break. It started to get brutal. This was my mental wrestle:
-I want to ditch work and be with the kids.
-I want to get work done, but still be with the kids.  But if I take them to work, nothing will get done and I'll be mad at them.
-I want to ditch everything and run from my kids.
This was in constant rotation so I never really felt like I knew what I wanted, and never felt like I was choosing to do what I wanted. This is probably part of the description of an unstable person, right?
The two days I got them to go to a sports camp, I spent every other minute worrying about them while I tried to chug along and get as much as my focusing capacity could handle. The one day I stayed home with them, I felt like I needed to get stuff done at home, and couldn't focus on them exclusively, and they kept pulling me away from what I had my mind set on.
I've decided to commit to receiving help with my childcare needs. Today is the first day that we have an after-school nanny. I meet her at Atticus's school and shadow her for a couple of days so that she knows where to pick the kids up from and drive them to. My plan is to get everything I need to get done at work with the extra time I have now that I don't have to leave early to get Atticus. Then when I do get home, the kids' homework and (new) chores will be done and I can spend quality time with them, or start dinner while nanny is there. Still a work in progress. I do feel more hopeful, and less desperate over all. That's gotta be a good thing.

Did 4+ years really just go by?

Well, shit. I blame Facebook. It's so easy to do lazy posts on FB that my blog was completely neglected for years. I am back. Again.... There is a new purpose, and time will tell if this new purpose will drive me to post regularly.  On July 12, 2017 I went to the ER and found out I had 10 cm abdominal mass that I would later find out was cancer. Yup, it happened to me. At 43. With a 4 and 7 year old. In the best shape of my life. I had surgery, and an 8 inch scar from my bellybutton down, to show for it. I'm on my new anti-cancer pill for the rest of my life, and the side effects have been kicking my ass. Just had my first CT scan post surgery,  and figuratively shit my pants for a week leading up to and after the CT scan. I'll need one 3-4 times a year the first year because without my forever-pill, there is 85% chance of reoccurrence. It's been almost 6 months and I am barely starting to recognize myself. Mostly, I recognize the magnified version of my anger, short tempered responses to the kids, frustration, and all the negativity I had before. Then add sheer terror, panic, emotional paralysis. It's pretty fucked up. I am on a mind-fuck trip of epic proportions. And I'm no special snowflake. If you live long enough, you'll get cancer or some sort of chronic disease. If you're lucky, you'll get to spend the rest of your life wondering if that weird sensation in whatever part of your body is the cancer coming back for revenge after all 10cm of it, along with a couple inches of small intestine, were removed. I need to hurry the fuck up and pull my big-girl pants on and get on with it. There is so much life to live, and I'm just a resentful, impatient, unfocused, unbalanced, not fun, non-life-seizer.  Ugggh! I just want my kids to know who I was in case I kick the bucket before they are old enough to have solid memories of me.  And so I blog.

I'm Back

I can't believe I haven't blogged since July 2011!  Every time I think about picking up  where I left off, I wonder how I'm going to pre-blog or pre-date or pre-post all the things that have happened since July 2011. I'm just going to start updating here in no particular order:

1. October 20012- I had a son, Atticus. He's awesome. I'll dedicate a couple of introductory posts on him. Did I mention he's awesome? I will mention that he (almost) slept through the night on his 6 month birthday (10 hour stretch), and has repeated this several times. He is so easy to put to bed at night, I just nurse him, burp him, hug and kiss him good night, put him in his crib wide awake, and viola! he's out. Now if Layla could only take a queue her from her little bro...(still not sleeping in her bed or going to bed alone). I had a C-section this time. It was scheduled for the 4th, but the hospital was booked and told me to come back the next day. That was funny. He's been awesome. He's in daycare 3 days a week and comes to work with my 2 days a week with help from Alicia. She's a awesome too.

2. December 2011 - My Grandmother passed away. She was my last living grandparent. It was a shock. She wasn't sick. My mom talked to her on the phone less than an hour before she died. My uncle was on his way to pick her up and bring her to my mom's house. She was gone when he arrived. She never got to meet my son, or even know that I would soon be pregnant. She would have been so happy.

3. October 2011- I got this crazy idea in my head to throw a college sorority reunion....and on a party bus no less. It was a smashing success with almost 50 women showing up. I had intended on doing a yearly get together, but by the following year I was knocked up and had my boy.

4. August 2011 - We moved! Finally. We moved into the front townhome in the 4 unit complex I co-own with my folks in Los Feliz. It was almost roomy enough when we first moved in, but with two kids, it's tight.  We keep looking for a place to buy, but nothing is affordable. Not to sound ungrateful, but we don't like the home we live in. The location is better for me and the kids, we are a lot closer to  work/daycare and my parents. So our commute went from 45 min one-way to 20 minutes. Sometimes it's only 17 minutes. That's a dream commute by LA standards. We have laundry inside, and parking right next to the unit, must-haves for getting by with two working parents and kiddos. The place itself is old (not in a charming way) and needs a lot of work. Before moving in, all the floors and carpets were torn out and replaced, the place was painted, and the popcorn was taken off the ceiling. Since we've moved in, we've replaced the 3/4 bathroom (looks awesome) and one powder room (still needs work), added recessed lighting in the living room, painted a whole wall with chalkboard paint, and made a playroom under the stairs for Layla (the best room in the house). New roof, new lawn in half the front yard area. But the front patio/yard area still sucks, no curb appeal. Recently there have been robberies on our street, just to add to the frustration. Not to mention being a landlord has its trials. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do the things I want to.

5. August 2011 - Cary shot the first rehearsal of his show. He has since shot a second one, but because he ends up taking freelance work in advertising to pay for the shoots (and our growing expenses), he can't do anything show-related (or family or life related) while he's working full time in advertising. The money is good and will get us closer to buying a home. But when Cary works, I'm basically a single mom 6-7 days a week. Which is a major reason why this blog has not happened in almost 2 years. Also, its a major reason why I'm the least happy I 've ever been. I love my family, my kids are beyond my wildest dreams awesome, I'm grateful for so so many things, and yet my life provides no balance. I'm exhausted from the second I wake up, sometimes after a night of no sleep, and don't have weekends to look forward to for a break because Cary works most weekends, and I'm working 5 days a week. I try to make me-time, and it's getting better. The only way we'll get out of our unsatisfying living situation, is with Cary working towards our down payment, which means I'm alone on a regular basis.  Things are definitely improving since Atticus has been sleeping more regularly more often. He's slept through the night maybe 10 times in the  last 1 1/2 months. I've gone jogging 3 times this week. That's more times than I've been jogging any single month in over a year. There is progress in sight...

6. April 2013 - Mom had her 5th surgery in 3 years (two cancer related, one foot, two knee replacements). This one was her second knee replacement. Fingers crossed that she'll not need another surgery again ever. It's been almost 4 weeks since this last surgery, she's still in excruciating pain. It's becoming more apparent to Cary and I that the time we have with our parents, in their active years, is limited. We are trying to plan a Euro trip with my folks and the kids. It's falling through now because of scheduling and cost, but we're not giving up. We'll try to plan a trip with Cary's folks also. Sheila and Layla were each born with 3 great-grandmothers, they have all since passed away. We aren't young parents, our parents may not see their grand kids get married and have great grand kids if our kids wait as long as Cary and I did. We need to remember to seize the day, the week, the month....

I haven't even talked about work. Which I need to get back to...

Getting back in the game

Once upon a time, I used to blog. Many of my blog posts were of  food and restaurants. Then came baby, life, work, all the other things that had always been there but felt more difficult to deal with, and there went my time, patience, and hoseleh to blog. Plus, when I do get to go out and eat, my hands are kind of busy with you know who...


One of the reasons we don't eat out as often

 After a busy week for both of us,  Cary was asked to be a part of a project with some friends. This meant Layla and I would be alone most of Saturday. So we went to Home Depot (because we're moving next month!), Mom's house, then Aunties house, then to a small shop that does interesting things with succulents and wood and other interesting pieces of furniture and accents.  That was a pain; Layla asleep, stroller didn't fit in store, had to put it back in the car, all with Layla asleep, lots of transfers to carseat, carried her limp/sweaty/sleeping body throughout the store, all by myself. Needless to say, by the time Cary got home, I was beat. I told him to go out with Layla and leave me at home to veg out. He insisted we go out together all three of us. Reluctantly I agreed, and we tried this little burger and beer joint called Stout. 

This was the IOS 3am chicken burger. Sort of Greek themed. It came with fries inside the burger.
Love that. Really yummy and perfectly filling.

They had this giant oven baked pretzel that Layla liked. She loved the fries of course. We each got beers we never tried before. Cary got the Italian themed burger, it had prosciutto in the form of bacon bits, mozzarella, nummy.



Mmmm, more french fries? more french fries?

 Despite a rough start, Layla was great. She stayed in her stroller the whole time watching Elmo on Cary's phone. She had a bite of my burger meat, some pretzel and a bunch of fries. Not the balanced meal that I would prefer for her to have, but Mommy and Daddy got to chill out and unwind a bit.

We were leaving Stout to go back to the car and this young, punky tatooed couple that were walking in front of us, turned and shouted to their friends behind us that they would be right back in 20 minutes....after they f@$ked. Then the guy, sort of embarrassed points out that there's a little kid right there, and the girl apologizes for cursing in front of Layla. We were laughing at all of it because we saw it coming.

The little strip mall type corner that Stout was located in is pretty cool. Next door is a hookah lounge, and next door to that is another bar/restaurant that offered sausages and other yummies on the menu. At the opposite corner is Big Wangs, which is a sports bar with wangs...um, I mean wings. Chicken wings. It's just off Sunset between Ivar and Cahuenga near cool newish shopping and art space.  It's still gritty and not polished, so we were the only ones there with a stroller.  No other kids around. Cary prefers this. Not that we have anything against fellow parents and families. But he likes that we will venture out and try new places. Just like in the old days. Maybe I'll start blogging more too.

Sunday Funday

Even though Sunday started off with chores, we managed to squeeze in some fun stuff. After a run to the car wash (first one this year...of course it rained today :-/ ), we hopped in the clean car and went to the Farmers Market on Ivar, bought a bunch of veggies, fruits, bread, ran into my friend Gina's mom who's family has an orange grove and she gave us a ton of oranges, blood oranges, tangerines, tangelos (yum!), and then we walked to Go Burger for lunch. I haven't taken pictures of my food in a while, and I should have taken pictures here. The Philly smashed burger was possibly one of the best I've had in my life. They also have "adult" milk shakes  spiked with various booze and ice cream floats, like Guinness with a scoop of vanilla. I'll have to try one next time.

Then we dropped off Cary at home with the groceries, and Layla and I headed to Hannah's house for some swimming. I would have taken pictures, but would have risked dropping my camera and phone in the jacuzzi. So no pics till after we got dried off.

Rolling around being silly

Exhausted from jumping on the bed

 Layla and Hannah just ran around screaming and laughing. It was so sweet. Layla would jump on the bed and say "boing! boing! boing!" and Hannah would say "I'm gonna get you". You can't have that kind of fun when you're not a kid. It's so fun to watch.

Then Layla and I went home. I opened the fridge and Layla saw the strawberries and started saying, "a-strawberries? a-strawberries?" everything starts with an "a" and is asked like a question. Recently, everything is plural as well,  "a-Elmos?" or "a-Hannahs?"

Turns out that the Farmers Market strawberries were extremely sweet and delicious. Layla smeared some into the couch to remember them by.

We were all exhausted that night. Unfortunately, Layla coughed so bad that night in her sleep, that she vomited all over us in bed (our bed). We hopped in the shower around midnight to wash the chunks out of hour hair as Cary changed the sheets. Poor Laylie was so out of it, she just gripped my neck in the shower with this wide eyed dazed look on her little face. She coughed all night. Hopefully she'll be better today.

Still grateful

I was going to call this post Grateful, but I already used that title, so...
I forget who said this, but it's a good one for us to remind ourselves regularly:
I am too blessed to be stressed.

I know blessings aren't evenly or fairly distributed to every person on this planet, but still, there is always something (and usually many, many things) that we can remind ourselves of to get over the weight of life's stresses and it be able to enjoy the many things that we could be soaking up.

I read an article about a link between people who live into their 100's and people with positive, happy, devil may care attitudes that didn't let life's adversities bring them down. The article wrote about this brother and sister in their 100's and that they had each dealt with their share of struggle and bereavement, but they were upbeat and happy people and that this contributed to their longevity. The younger 105 year old brother still had a job. That's not to say that genetics didn't play a part, both in their rugged physical health, and their ability to be upbeat and happy people. I do feel that the rest of us that don't share their genetics still have the ability to choose to be happier and to try to not allow life's challenges to bum us out.

I look around me, and my family, and we've had our share of rough stuff to deal with in the last few years. I don't write about the majority of it. I feel like everyone has aged recently more than any other time. I think to myself that if X, Y, and Z hadn't happened, everyone would be so much happier. Maybe that's true, maybe it's inaccurate, but bottom line is there is always going to be something that will challenge our happiness and stress us out. So it really does come down to coping and making sure the people around you are coping.

I got a full night's sleep last night and slept in till 10:50 (it was glooooorius!). Maybe that's why I'm feeling so grateful and that I am capable of being the master of my happiness' domain. Still, if I don't get to sleep tonight and don't get to nap tomorrow, I'm going to choose to not be crabby and pissed off

Layla said the entire alphabet today, with just two mistakes. She's also getting a little bit of an attitude. I like that she has attitude, though I'll be eating my words shortly, I'm sure.

Got gripe?

As with all the wonderful, happy, new, interesting, good stuff that I post for journaling sake, it's important to not forget things that suck too. One, so that when the sucky stuff is in the past I can be grateful that it is in the past.  And, two, so that I can get the gripes off my chest in the present, so then right now can suck a little less. Maybe?

Working Mom, April 15, 2010

This picture was taken last year. I remember taking it and feeling sort of super-mom like. I felt like I owned motherhood for one  of the first times. I was on my way to work (and daycare). I'm holding my coffee, carrying my laptop bag, handbag, diaper bag, daycare bag, and my cargo pants pockets are full of who knows what. I've got Layla in the Baby Bjorn, dressed for school, with her binky in her mouth. We are on our way from our apartment door, getting to the elevator, to walk through the grassy courtyard, to get to the parking structure, to get into the car, to be buckled into the rear facing car seat, to hope that there is no melt down on the ~40 minute drive to work, with 6 binkies in the passenger seat in case Layla drops hers. At this point I was only taking her to daycare  on Tuesday and Thursdays. This meant that on Monday, Wednesday, and weekends, I would have to pump milk, wash and sterilize bottles and breast pump parts, store the milk, and check to make sure I had a surplus. Not to mention providing pureed organic foods. In addition, Layla was no where near sleeping through the night, so I was always exhausted, cranky, and never with enough help to get myself a hair cut, a dentist appointment, a doctor's appointment, mani/pedi, or time to read a magazine. If that sounds bad, it really was much worse.  If it doesn't sound bad, then stop reading.

I guess I'm writing this because I feel like shit again and forgot how much more often I used to feel like shit. I didn't sleep till 4:30 this morning. I heard the newspaper being delivered. That's how late I was up. So I got barely 3 hours of sleep, I'm at work, and I'm wondering when it gets better, or IF it gets better. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I'm definitely grateful that I get more sleep more often. Though Layla started waking up during the night because she's super congested these days, poor thing. I got used to getting sleep, so going back to this kind of sleep habit is rough.

This 5 days of work thing isn't so bad, it's the part where I'm in charge of getting Layla to and from school every day, and by myself. Cary walks me to the car every morning now, so I never have to carry all that stuff alone like in that picture. Except now there is the added challenge of chasing Layla everywhere, which is tough when you're late or in a hurry and don't want her running in the parking structure. So going to and from our piece of shit apartment is always a resentment inducing effort. Can you hear my crankiness or what?

I'm just bummed because I haven't read a new book since before Layla was born. I reread the whole Harry Potter series while nursing, but that doesn't count because I read it while I was half asleep, and I had already read it 2 times, and that was more than a year ago. I'm bummed because I haven't gone out with Cary in over a month. I'm bummed because I went out with girlfriends only twice  in the last 6 weeks.  I'm bummed because I  haven't seen a movie since last year. I'm bummed because of Japan, because of Libya,   because our cleaning lady with a work permit might get deported even though she was mugged and beaten last year (trying to help her, I'm seriously worrying about her), because of this line cook at my friend's restaurant who's wife left him and his 3 kids and he makes $9.50 an hour and pays $5/hour for baby sitting while he works 16 hours a day, 6 days a week, and just wants to take his kids to the zoo. I'm bummed because we are still in our piece of shit apartment, yet our house keeper and this line cook could fit two of their apartments in my apartment, and it's in a safe neighborhood at least, sort of. So I'm both displeased with things, and feeling guilty because it could be much much worse.

Every time I list something that bums me out, this voice in my head reminds me of things to be grateful for. I really am grateful for all of the things being whispered in my head. I just need to have at it with some gripes and bitching and get it off my chest. Maybe I'm PMSing or knocked up. Or maybe I just have reason to be pissy. I'll have to look back on this in a couple years and decide.

I would like to close this by mentioning my good friend Kasey had her 3rd baby yesterday. He weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs 1 oz!!! I'm am way way grateful that they are healthy and doing well. Oh yeah, the lumps in my neck went away. Oh yeah, my Dad just got back from a (disastrous) business trip safe and sound. My aunt just walked into the office, back from having some dental bone biopsied, and I hope I get to report to be grateful for that being OK.

I don't feel good about this post and am considering not posting it because it is negative, and complainy, and personal. But it's honest and very stream-of-thought. I think it will have some retrospective value at some point, I hope, maybe. So here goes.....

All bundled up and no where to go

Layla and I have been sick since Monday night. We haven't gone to work/school since then.  Layla's had a fever and has been really unhappy when her ibuprofen wears off, but she's eating fine, no other symptoms so far. I've had full body aches and sore throat, so I imagine she might also. I've noticed some lumps in my neck, which I hope are just because my body is fighting off this bug and not the other thing it could be. Kind of trippin', trying not to think about it. Will call doctor first thing in the morning.

We got cabin fever today after not having been out for two days. So Cary and I bundled Layla up in her warmest clothes, boots, hat, her heavy winter jacket that is good enough for east coasters to wear in the middle of the storm, and an extra blanket for good measure. Put her in her stroller, take a step outside, and it starts sprinkling. Cary and I ducked back into the building, put the rain cover on the stroller, and Layla freaked out from claustrophobia. Either from the clothes, the stroller, the rain cover or all of the above. And that was the end of her outing. Cary was nice enough to take her back upstairs. I ran to the coffee shop with an umbrella in hand and got a Moroccan mint tea latter with a chocolate cupcake. That was the end of my outing. It was much needed though.

Feeling the lump in my neck and freaking out. Cancer is everywhere, it seems. Just found out a sorority sister died at 41 after 4 year battle with breast cancer. 3 kids under 7. Found out a family friend just had a kidney removed. Then found out his son had had cancer already. He's younger than me. All the news about Japan's radioactive plum heading to LA is getting to me.  I'm a person of science, and understand that the amount of exposure from the nuclear fall out is less than that of a CT scan.  The general panic in the air is contagious, even if you've had your dose of paranoia vaccine.

Layla started saying "thank you" today. She said it in response to me giving her food or crayon, I can't remember already. That's why I'm mentioning it here. I forget so much so quickly. She also says "nummy" when something is tastey, and she also said yipee spontaneously. She did a couple WWF moves on Cary and tried to bring her elbow down on his gut when we were lying in bed. Then stood up and did it over. Mom came over and brought us soup and helped clean up. Layla cried when she left, so I had to distract her so Mom didn't feel so bad about leaving her in mid tears.

I had all this stuff about Layla I wanted to write so I wouldn't forget, and I've already forgotten. Shoot. I've gotten distracted by other things that are either stupid or out of my hands.

Bottom line, if I don't get to be around as long as I want to, I need to make the blog serve as some sort of an insightful communication to Layla. I'm not even sure what to try to communicate at this point. I just hope she grows up to be a better person than I am. I'm tired. Time for bed. Night night.

Norooz Pirouz - 1390

Today is Persian New Year. Sal Tahvil (the stroke of new year, which is not midnight by default) is at 4:21 PM, PST. Layla, Cary and I will go to Mom and Dad's with Sheila, Shahrzad, Annahita, Azita, and Farzad to ring in the new year. I had planned to make a Haft Seen and I didn't. But mom  made me a sabzeh for our home. So at least that's something.

Today Layla is 19 months old. Perfect time to list some milestones:

She can count to 10, and kind of count to  whe- teen, ho-teen, so-teen, whatever those are. She's been doing that for a few weeks now. Last weekend was Sheila's birthday and she demonstrated her counting skills on Meow Meow, pointing to different parts of the cat with each number. When she got to 9, she stuck her finger in his butt  and he took off. We were laughing so hard.

She mostly sleeps in her crib, and (almost) half the time she sleeps through the night. This morning she slept in till 8! That's a record.  But she requires snuggling with us in our bed to fall asleep still. Then we transfer her to her crib. Still working on that part.

She's in a new class at school, and her teacher left for grad school and she now has a new teacher again, so she's had a lot of adjusting to do with those changes. She has a lot of separation anxiety issues when I drop her off. Even at home if I want to leave the apartment, she'll cry and Cary has to distract her so I can leave without her crying.

She lets us know she has peepeed or pooped, she's been doing that for a couple months. It is not consistent, but it means she's slowly on her way to being potty trainable.  I tell her to sit on her potty when I'm sitting on my potty. This is long term work in progress, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure it out soon enough.

She's very talkative. She even talks in her sleep. Most of the time no one can tell what she's saying. But if I video record her talking, then watch it couple of times, I can tell she's actually saying real words that are relevant to what's going on. She lets me know when she's hungry (hunny), sleepy, if she wants milk (nok), her pacifier (she calls it her "Mi" which no one has figured out why), if she wants to watch Sesame Street (Elmo), if she wants to read a book, if she wants more of something (she signs that), if she's done (all gone).

She still says "Oh nyooo!" and smacks her hands on her cheeks. Now she follows it up with a "H-happen?" which is her version "what happened?", her hands extended in an "I don't know" kind of way. There are hand gesture's involved with most things.

There's also  "oh nyoo, where go".

She smushed her finger in the front door and ripped off skin and bruised her finger. It was bloody and traumatic. I don't know if I closed it on her finger or she did. She likes to "open close, open close" and I let her close it, but I may have helped her shut it on her finger. I wasn't paying attention, and was carrying lots of bags. I wanted to kill myself.

She loves her cousin Sheila and her cousin Annahita. Sheila speaks English, Anna speaks Persian, and Layla speaks her own language. But these three girls are crazy about each other. When they get together, they squeal, run, hug, and jump up and down with excitement. Then they're quiet because neither speaks the other's language.  It's funny, strange, and kind of hopeful that they will each teach the other their own language, and Layla will benefit from both of them.

She watches a loooot of Sesame Street. Since we go to Pasadena 5 days a week, I put my iPad in the car holder and let her watch episodes of Sesame Street that I've downloaded.  She watches SS maybe 4 out 5 car rides. Sometimes when I think she's sleepy I won't play it, but if she might get restless or start crying on the road, and the commute is ~40 minutes, I don't risk it. So that's1 1/2 hours of SS. Not the kind of parenting I thought I would subscribe to. I do appreciate that she interacts with what she's watching and anticipates things and will call out answers. Sometimes I'll not play SS and sing to her and talk to her, but it's not easy to entertain a kid for 40 minutes, while driving, and not turn around and talk to or touch her.  It is what it is and we make the best of it.

Layla with her Mi

Layla without her Mi

 Oh yeah, she knows all of her colors (few months now), tons of animals by name and sound, she loves to draw and color (including on our walls), she loves to climb, and she loves to read and be read to.

It's an hour after I started writing this. Layla and I took a shower together. One of my favorite things to do with her.

I just want to add that I am grateful for my parents.  I'm not surprised by the good things they have done and continue to do, because it is very typical of them. But I am surprised by the number of times that their goodness needs to be tested and exercised by people that don't deserve their goodness. Maybe the people that deserve their goodness the least, need it the most to guide them from the selfish, hurtful lives they lead and teach them how to be better people. I am so proud of them and hope that they get to be together in the years that Layla, Sheila, and hopefully one more baby, grow to be adults so that they can be examples for them for many many years to come. Amen.

Dear Shashar and Lily...

...here you go. A post just for you.

So why have I not posted even once in 2011? I mean Layla is FINALLY sleeping through the night, sort of, knock on wood. She has slept through the night about 10 of the last 14 days. Yes, being able to sleep again is all I ever dreamt it would be. 

The reason why I think that she's sleeping through the night, and why I don't get to blog, is because she is going to daycare 5 days a week. It's more of a consistent routine. I think the regular routine, and the fact that they do so many activities with Layla till she's tuckered out at the end of the day, is why she's been sleeping well. BUT, just when I thought things were going peachy, she started a new class yesterday.  Her new teacher is great, super smiley, nice, happy, enthusiastic, but Layla shows some separation anxiety for the first time. Ugh!! It's heart breaking. She cried big tears as I handed her off to her teacher today.

So I'm sitting at our office, which I go to 5 full days a week now, writing this post when I should be responding to work emails, because now that I am at work 5 days a week, there's even more work to do - go figure!  Because Shahrzad and Lily posted on my Facebook that I need to change the name of my blog to the Ruby Quarterly, I felt compelled to post. True, I have been lagging. Last week, for example, I went to mom's house every night after work, fed Layla, then got home by 8 and put her to bed and passed out early myself. Weekends I spend every available minute looking for a home to rent or buy (long shot). So there really is no time, unless I do it at work, which I can't justify the time spent because I've started to go jog/walking at the Rose Bowl during lunch and that takes up any "spare"-like time.

Not only have I not blogged, but I barely talked to or saw any friends in January. I went out on the town with Megan and Jenny for Jenny's birthday a couple of Saturdays ago. We hit a bunch of bars, drank, danced, played pool, made the DJ play our songs, and took a cab back home. Going out now in our later 30's is way different then it was 10 years ago. Or even 5 years ago. I don't have the stamina for one, to stay awake, or drink fast enough to not make me sleepy (truth be told, I barely got buzzed before I got tired and wanted to take a nap). At least I didn't get sick (and I'll leave it at that). Two, I don't like the way clubbers dress in too short dresses without the body to go in them, yuk. There's junk in the trunk, on the dashboard, in the cupholders, basically the club goers are junk on wheels. The crowd was a lot less appealing (then back in the day), which sounds snobby, because it is, but I like to people watch the beautiful people when I finally get the hoseleh to go out.  C,  there's this constant nag in the back of my head wondering if we all look like cougars while out on the town. I don't think we're old enough to be cougars, but we're older than everyone else, or so it seems. I feel like my age group is this no man's land, we don't go out much and are underrepresented on the scene. I don't know why that bothers me. We were convinced this adorable bartender that was giving us attention and shots had to be in his twenties. And that was kind of depressing for some reason. Turns out he was our age (we asked). The bouncer at the door, looked 30 ish, was in his 40's (showed me his drivers license). Who knew?! So maybe there were more in our age group than I had assumed, but we do such a good job that you can't tell.

Are you so glad that you gave me a hard time to post, or what? On a side note, I now have 19 followers. God love you all, but why would you want to read my blog? It USED to be fun to read, but I'm afraid I've lost some of my spunk. Maybe once I get a few more full nights of sleep I'll get back to spunky. Until then, bye.

Gratitude

2010 almost kicked my ass. The only reason I don't call it the worst year ever, is because I'm clinging to all that I have to be grateful for and all that could have been much worse and wasn't.  This year my close friends and family experienced deaths, cancer, divorce, the near or total destruction of close relationships, financial strain, emotional exhaustion, and shocking disappointment in people I expected better of, just to name a few. I'm grateful that there weren't more deaths and that all those that did survive are healthy and the relationships that weren't ended are hanging on.  I'm most grateful for Layla and Sheila, if anything happened to them, there would be a ripple effect through my entire family and everyone else that I care about would crumble till I had nothing to cling to that I can pin my gratitude on to keep my head above water. Really the only thing that kept me going was constantly reminding myself of the good stuff, especially Layla and Sheila.  Remembering is not always easy when you have to force it down your own throat, or when I'm being kept up night after night after sleepless night.  Did I mention that I still have yet to experience regular sleep?

I keep going back and forth between the deep resentment I have towards 2010, and kicking myself for having a pity party and not feeling all the things I have to be grateful for. So I'm going to decide to be over it. I'm hoping that I'm stronger after experiencing 2010. I hope that all the effort I've put into being grateful will carry over into 2011 so that I can enjoy the things I'm grateful for, and don't just use them to maintain my sanity. Big difference.

So, as the clock ticks, and the year comes to an end, I say one last thanks to 2010 for the good that you allowed to stay good and the bad that didn't happen that could have happened. It may seem like a cynical sentiment, but I'm being totally sincere.

Hello, followers.

I just noticed that I have 11 followers. I don't really know what this means. I've never "followed" anyone's blog. I don't have a blog reader set up to notify me when someone has updated their blog. None of my 11 followers look familiar, I did a quick look at a couple and don't know who any of you are. If you're a follower of mine and read this post, humor me and let me know why.  There are a handful of blogs that I like to check from time to time, none of them religiously though. I'm pretty behind on all of my blogs. I used to regularly read Weddingbee and Post Secret, but its been years since I read the posts on a regular basis.

So in addition to the 11 followers, and 3 friends that I know of that read this, and maybe 3 family members, that's a whole 17 semi-regular readers of my blog. Maybe I should monetize my blog and have little advertisement thumbnails lined up on the sidebar. The pay-per-click ones where I would make like $0.15 per click. So if everyone clicked on it every time I write a new post, and I post about once a month, that's like $2.55 a month. Sweet!

Shenius

Shenius= female genius.

It can be considered both offensive and perfectly suited for Layla. Offensive because having a specific word for a female genius suggests that the word genius is exclusive of the female gender, which we all know is far from the truth. For today's intent and purpose, lets not find it offensive, and instead let's observe Layla's adorable brilliance:

This might not seem like a big deal to everyone. But to those around her, it's a huge step. I asked her to put the laundry into the  basket, and she did it. She understood what I said and then performed a task. I couldn't believe it at first and had to pull out my iPhone to record this mini-major-milestone. Then I promptly texted it to Cary, who promptly showed it to his partner at work. It's been emailed to grandparents and aunts and uncle, so it's probably going viral (in our immediate family) as we speak.

In the last couple of days, Layla has learned new words and tricks that constantly surprise everyone around her. I held out her teddy bear and asked her what it was and she said "bur"(I screamed, "yeeessss!! good girl!!" which she likes to hear).  I asked her what a chicken says (while she was eating chicken for dinner) and she said, "bak bak baaak" as she munched away. We walked into the parking garage, and she pointed at each car and said, "ca! ca! ca!".  Yesterday she fell asleep on my lap without her pacifier, and without any warning. She just put her head down and was out, that has never happened.

Everyday brings new surprises. I mean EVERY-SINGLE-DAY!!  She's so much fun. It makes the fact that she still wakes up in the middle of the night a little easier to deal with. Hopefully when this cough she has passes, that will be the end of that chapter. Fingers crossed, knock on wood.

Welcome William Ryo Kelly

Mini Bubbs is here!
Can't wait to meet little Will!!

Halloween goody bags for Layla's school

Layla's school has a Halloween parade on Friday. The kids get dressed up and the teachers take them to walk in a circle and show off their costumes. And somehow, this becomes a source of stress for me....

Last week, Layla's teacher handed me an envelope with a letter and detailed information explaining the Halloween festivities for the day that included a list of every classmate's name, as well as each teacher's name, and floating teacher's names. This is just in case I want to bring presents for everyone. So I read each page over and over because it's pretty dense in information. Yes, this is for a toddler's Halloween parade, not college application process.

You'd be surprised how much pressure a mom can put on herself to offer the perfect present to these little buggers. You don't "have" to bring gifts for the kids,  but  you sort of feel obligated to participate. Because otherwise, you're not a bad person, you just kind of suck a little bit.

 For Valentine's day, I hadn't gotten my act together after going back to work and gave the kids Valentines a week late. They consisted of little squirting bath toys, because I couldn't think of anything else to give infants. You can't give them food because they mostly drink milk only and if you give clothes or toys it can expensive when you're buying for 16 babies. Plus you gotta get goodies for the teachers too.

So for Halloween, I found the perfect gift. Again, I went with the bath toys. Halloween themed rubber duckies:

Are they cute or what?! I made little tags with each kid's name on it and  "Happy Halloween! Love, Layla".  Half were duckies dressed as a witch and half were dressed as pumpkins. I didn't want to do candy because they are all just barely 1 years old and I don't think most parents let them eat junk food yet.

A lot of thought and effort went into choosing, buying, and assembling these. Half of Tuesday was devoted to this. Like I have so much time on my hands, right?  Unless the other parents out-do me, I think I'm going to feel pretty good about my Halloween goody bags. I'll finally get to feel like the Joneses that everyone is trying to keep up with. Isn't that the point?

(note the last three sentences aren't as pathetic as they sound. i was trying to be ironically sarcastical)

Loves her watermelon

I picked up Layla from Mom's house and found her dressed in this cutesy jumper, eating her 3rd watermelon slice. She could eat watermelon for every meal and not get tired of it.

Sneaking up on Layla

I went to pick up Layla from school today and found her in the middle of an art project.

She was painting a bat for Halloween.

Then she was painting her shirt.

Then she painted me.

Trip to the Grove

Layla wasn't feeling good today, so I kept her home from school. She has a little cough, runny nose, and worst of all her molars are coming in. I could tell she had cabin fever, so I bundled her up in her warmest clothes, and headed for the Grove. Yeah, I know, why did I keep her home from school and then decide to take her to the Grove? Because I'm the mommy now and I get to do whatever I want, so there.



I've had this jacket since she was a newborn and was so excited to finally get to use it. It's so fun dressing her!







You can't even tell that she's teething and has a cough. She's such a trooper!





She love the little water fountain sculptures.





When you ask her what a fish says, this is the face she makes.





I wish I had video of her dancing to the musical water fountain.



Regulating?

Today I had one of those few moments where I felt like I wasn't being tossed around like a rag doll in the drier. I woke up to the sound of Layla playing in her crib, which she slept in all night without waking up. That hasn't happened in a while. Then I got up and put her in bed with Cary and a bottle of milk and let them play watch Sesame Street while I finally got my medical expense records together from last year so I could submit them for Flexible Spending Account reimbursement. It's been on my To-Do list for a whole year. Then I made Layla breakfast and watched her eat 1 1/2 egg yolks, a hunk of cheese, a piece of toast, and 20 grapes. She would have eaten more grapes if I had given them to her. It's like baby crack. I let her play on the new alphabet rubber mat with all of her toys and chased her little till she got sleepy. Put her down for a nap by 10. Got on the computer, finished FSA stuff, responded to work emails, showered (whoa!), did some more work, and then Layla woke up at about 11:45. Longer than usual. I gave her some snacks, got her changed and dressed, tossed her in the stroller and we walked over to the Grove. Bought my neighbor a baby gift. We went to Cheesecake Factory and I ordered Layla sliders off of the kids menu. She sat on my lap and ate some broccoli, burger, bread, banana and didn't make too much of a fuss while I gobbled down a few bites of my lunch. That's the first time I've gone to a restaurant with Layla alone, I think. It usually is a two-man job. But she did really well. Then we went over to Barnes and Noble kid's section so Layla could wander around knocking books off the shelf while I chased her around and put the books back where they belonged. She loves the kid's book section though. Then I got myself a spiced pumpkin latte at Starbucks and tried to put Layla back in her stroller, that was a challenge though since my stroller's cup holder broke and holding a baby and hot drink, and navigating a stroller doesn't work unless you have 3 arms. She finally chilled out, sat in her stroller, and we walked back home just in time for Layla to take a nap in her crib. Which is why I have time to yippity yap on the computer. Woo hoo! I'm going to back blog about Saturday now...unless Layla wakes up.

If I could get a couple of days like this a week, I think my sanity might actually come out of hiding. I'm not asking for much, just simplicity and less exhaustion, a little regularity. Until then, .......sigh.......