Gratitude

2010 almost kicked my ass. The only reason I don't call it the worst year ever, is because I'm clinging to all that I have to be grateful for and all that could have been much worse and wasn't.  This year my close friends and family experienced deaths, cancer, divorce, the near or total destruction of close relationships, financial strain, emotional exhaustion, and shocking disappointment in people I expected better of, just to name a few. I'm grateful that there weren't more deaths and that all those that did survive are healthy and the relationships that weren't ended are hanging on.  I'm most grateful for Layla and Sheila, if anything happened to them, there would be a ripple effect through my entire family and everyone else that I care about would crumble till I had nothing to cling to that I can pin my gratitude on to keep my head above water. Really the only thing that kept me going was constantly reminding myself of the good stuff, especially Layla and Sheila.  Remembering is not always easy when you have to force it down your own throat, or when I'm being kept up night after night after sleepless night.  Did I mention that I still have yet to experience regular sleep?

I keep going back and forth between the deep resentment I have towards 2010, and kicking myself for having a pity party and not feeling all the things I have to be grateful for. So I'm going to decide to be over it. I'm hoping that I'm stronger after experiencing 2010. I hope that all the effort I've put into being grateful will carry over into 2011 so that I can enjoy the things I'm grateful for, and don't just use them to maintain my sanity. Big difference.

So, as the clock ticks, and the year comes to an end, I say one last thanks to 2010 for the good that you allowed to stay good and the bad that didn't happen that could have happened. It may seem like a cynical sentiment, but I'm being totally sincere.