Got gripe?

As with all the wonderful, happy, new, interesting, good stuff that I post for journaling sake, it's important to not forget things that suck too. One, so that when the sucky stuff is in the past I can be grateful that it is in the past.  And, two, so that I can get the gripes off my chest in the present, so then right now can suck a little less. Maybe?

Working Mom, April 15, 2010

This picture was taken last year. I remember taking it and feeling sort of super-mom like. I felt like I owned motherhood for one  of the first times. I was on my way to work (and daycare). I'm holding my coffee, carrying my laptop bag, handbag, diaper bag, daycare bag, and my cargo pants pockets are full of who knows what. I've got Layla in the Baby Bjorn, dressed for school, with her binky in her mouth. We are on our way from our apartment door, getting to the elevator, to walk through the grassy courtyard, to get to the parking structure, to get into the car, to be buckled into the rear facing car seat, to hope that there is no melt down on the ~40 minute drive to work, with 6 binkies in the passenger seat in case Layla drops hers. At this point I was only taking her to daycare  on Tuesday and Thursdays. This meant that on Monday, Wednesday, and weekends, I would have to pump milk, wash and sterilize bottles and breast pump parts, store the milk, and check to make sure I had a surplus. Not to mention providing pureed organic foods. In addition, Layla was no where near sleeping through the night, so I was always exhausted, cranky, and never with enough help to get myself a hair cut, a dentist appointment, a doctor's appointment, mani/pedi, or time to read a magazine. If that sounds bad, it really was much worse.  If it doesn't sound bad, then stop reading.

I guess I'm writing this because I feel like shit again and forgot how much more often I used to feel like shit. I didn't sleep till 4:30 this morning. I heard the newspaper being delivered. That's how late I was up. So I got barely 3 hours of sleep, I'm at work, and I'm wondering when it gets better, or IF it gets better. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I'm definitely grateful that I get more sleep more often. Though Layla started waking up during the night because she's super congested these days, poor thing. I got used to getting sleep, so going back to this kind of sleep habit is rough.

This 5 days of work thing isn't so bad, it's the part where I'm in charge of getting Layla to and from school every day, and by myself. Cary walks me to the car every morning now, so I never have to carry all that stuff alone like in that picture. Except now there is the added challenge of chasing Layla everywhere, which is tough when you're late or in a hurry and don't want her running in the parking structure. So going to and from our piece of shit apartment is always a resentment inducing effort. Can you hear my crankiness or what?

I'm just bummed because I haven't read a new book since before Layla was born. I reread the whole Harry Potter series while nursing, but that doesn't count because I read it while I was half asleep, and I had already read it 2 times, and that was more than a year ago. I'm bummed because I haven't gone out with Cary in over a month. I'm bummed because I went out with girlfriends only twice  in the last 6 weeks.  I'm bummed because I  haven't seen a movie since last year. I'm bummed because of Japan, because of Libya,   because our cleaning lady with a work permit might get deported even though she was mugged and beaten last year (trying to help her, I'm seriously worrying about her), because of this line cook at my friend's restaurant who's wife left him and his 3 kids and he makes $9.50 an hour and pays $5/hour for baby sitting while he works 16 hours a day, 6 days a week, and just wants to take his kids to the zoo. I'm bummed because we are still in our piece of shit apartment, yet our house keeper and this line cook could fit two of their apartments in my apartment, and it's in a safe neighborhood at least, sort of. So I'm both displeased with things, and feeling guilty because it could be much much worse.

Every time I list something that bums me out, this voice in my head reminds me of things to be grateful for. I really am grateful for all of the things being whispered in my head. I just need to have at it with some gripes and bitching and get it off my chest. Maybe I'm PMSing or knocked up. Or maybe I just have reason to be pissy. I'll have to look back on this in a couple years and decide.

I would like to close this by mentioning my good friend Kasey had her 3rd baby yesterday. He weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs 1 oz!!! I'm am way way grateful that they are healthy and doing well. Oh yeah, the lumps in my neck went away. Oh yeah, my Dad just got back from a (disastrous) business trip safe and sound. My aunt just walked into the office, back from having some dental bone biopsied, and I hope I get to report to be grateful for that being OK.

I don't feel good about this post and am considering not posting it because it is negative, and complainy, and personal. But it's honest and very stream-of-thought. I think it will have some retrospective value at some point, I hope, maybe. So here goes.....